I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time writing about this, but it’s annoying me and I want to rant about it.  If that’s not what a personal blog is for, I don’t know what is.

Michael Jackson is dead.  Stop fucking mourning him.

At a young age, Jackson was forced to perform in front of millions of people.  He had a very unusually, likely stressful, and definitely fucked up childhood.  He grew into an adult with obvious mental problems, the most obvious expression of which was his face.  It was completely destroyed by years of successive plastic surgery.  Not to mention the whole “lived in an amusement park and occasionally diddled little kids” thing.  Or the fact that he was approximately 400 million dollars in debt to various creditors at the time of his death.

He was Michael Fucking Jackson.

News flash: he was a deranged pedophile.  Just because your first LP was Thriller does not mean you can ignore that he was a sick, broken individual and he damaged the lives of people around him irreparably.  I’m not saying anyone should celebrate his death, but for fuck’s sake stop employing such revisionist history and turning him into someone whose life we should be celebrating. He was a sick fuck and now he’s dead.  End of line.

This is the best news I’ve heard all year.

Findlay is now only closed on Monday, and is open earlier on Sundays!  As a downtown resident and weekly Findlay shopper, I can only say that this is simply fantastic.  Now, I hope the number of shoppers increases enough for the merchants to actually staff their locations during the extended hours.

Attention, suburbanites, foodies, foodie hangers-on, and anyone else reading this who shops at Kroger and their ilk: You have a mission, and you have no choice but to accept it.  Bring yourself and a friend or loved one to Findlay Market at least twice this summer!

Buy spices from the Colonel - can I recommend the Simon & Garfunkel or Cedar Plank?.  Buy some coffee from Bean Haus - Jazzy Java, if they have any left.  Pick up some vidalia onion or chicken mediterranean sausages from Kroeger & Sons, some imported olive oil from Dean’s (if you can resist the $1 each samosas at the checkout, you’re stronger than I am).  You know you cannot resist fresh bread or pesto from Angelina’s, and the seafood prices at Luken’s will astound you - scallops the size of your palm and the tastiest organic salmon you can imagine.  Pick up produce or - oh god some gelato - from Madison’s.  Choose from 28 varieties of olives at Silverglades, or stop in for Mother’s Day and pick up some of the hand-turned cheddar or butter and eggs from a local farm at Gibbs (you can thank me for this one later.)  If groceries aren’t your thing, stroll through the outdoor stalls and pick up fresh flowers, inexpensive houseplants, artisan pottery, or homemade soap.

Seriously, folks, once you go Findlay, every supermarket on Earth (even Jungle Jim’s - no, especially Jungle Jim’s) looks cheap and filled with nasty cardboard boxes of processed stuff you wouldn’t feed your dog.  If you want to go, but want a tour guide, drop me a line (or leave a comment) - Lauren and I will gladly show you around!

12 fights. I picked winners in 10. How’d I do?

Silva vs Leites
I said: Silva by TKO in Round 1.
What Happened: Silva by unanimous snoring err decision after 5 excruciating, boring, terrible rounds. I actually got up and took a shit during this fight, came back, and still didn’t care. Fuck, what a horrible contest. They had better feed some overaggressive guy to Silva next, or the fans are going to completely turn away from him. Wake up, Joe Silva: Styles Make Fights. A tentative, counter-punching jiu jitsu guy against a super accurate, counter-punching jiu jitsu guy is a recipe for nothing but boos.

Liddell vs Rua
I said: Rua by decision.
What Happened: Rua rang Liddell’s bell in Round 1. Fight over, and Rua gets “Knockout of the Night” for a $70,000 bonus. I called it; Chuck’s now been KO/TKO’d three times in his last 4 fights. The only thing left on Ice is Liddell’s career. So long and thanks for all the fish.

Soszynski vs Stann
I said: Soszynski by submission in Round 2.
What Happened: Soszynski locks in a wickedly slick kimura and wins by submission in Round 1. Either I don’t give his jiu jitsu enough credit, or Stann sucks worse on the ground than I expected. Probably both. The UFC awarded Sosynzki “Submission of the Night” for this one; amusingly, it was the only submission of the entire televised card, so that was an easy $70,000 decision.

Kongo vs Hardonk
I said: Kongo by TKO in Round 2
What Happened: Kongo by TKO in Round 2. Pretty much exactly what I expected. Can we put Kongo up against someone fun, now? I would say Napao would be a good fight to watch, but it’s likely to be undefeated Shane Carwin instead, with the winner being designated the #1 contender in the heavyweight division.

Cane vs Cantwell
I said: Cane by TKO in Round 1.
What Happened: Cane wins by decision. Cantwell proved to have a tougher chin than I gave him credit for. Both fighters looked pretty good.  This was another strangely entertaining decision, in that both guys showed heart and traded leather til the final bell.  Good show.

Magalhaes vs Marshall
I said: Magalhaes by submission.
What Happened: It went to the cards, and Marshall took it. My first wrong pick of the night.

Kang vs Foupa-Pokam
I said: Kang by TKO.
What Happened: Kang wins by decision. Another slow, boring fight punctuated by boos from the crowd.

MacDonald vs Quarry
I said: Quarry by TKO
What Happened: Quarry ends it quick by TKO in Round 1. Is Quarry back in the hunt in 185? Maybe so.

Loiseau vs Herman
I said: I don’t care
What Happened: I still don’t care. Herman won a decision. Snore.

Bocek vs Bielkheden
I said: No idea
What Happened: Bocek wins by rear naked joke. Choke. Whatever.

Grant vs Chonan
I said: Root for Grant, the underdog
What Happened: Grant wins a split decision. The Chonan of the Pride days is no longer here, folks.

Wiman vs Stout
I said: Wiman by submission in Round 1.
What Happened: Stout wins by unanimous decision. My second wrong prediction. This was a good fight, but I’m not a fan of decisions, ever. Both fighters looked sharp and I expect we’ll see plenty of them in future PPVs. The UFC gave this one “Fight of the Night” status, earning both fighters a $70,000 bonus, each. Not to shabby.

So, 5-0 for the main card, 3-2 (and 2 no picks) for the undercard. I only correctly picked the method of wins 3 of those 8, but I’ll take it.  Overall, I was right about the quality of this show:  not worth it.  12 fights.  7 decisions, 2 submissions, three TKOs. More boos than a houseful of ghosts. Let’s hope next month’s contests are more entertaining.

And… the UFC comes back to

I love MMA, but it seems like the UFC is really struggling lately to put on a compelling card. I think the events are coming too often. Who can spend $50 a month (or more!) on Pay Per Views? This Saturday’s card is mediocre, but should provide at least a few entertaining fights. The UFC’s light heavyweight division is stacked and full of talented fighters, but this card is a bit heavy; pun intended. Let’s check out the fights!

The Main Card

Anderson Silva (23-4) vs. Thales Leites (14-1) - Middlweight (185)

Anderson Silva is widely regarded as the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. With his recent move to 205lb just for kicks, and his dominance there, too, I’m not surprised at the rankings. He’s won 9 straight fights in convincing fashion, and there’s no reason to think the trend won’t continue. Leites is no slouch, but he’s nowhere near Silva’s level.  Silva wins by TKO/KO in Round 1.

Chuck Liddell (21-6) vs. Mauricio Rua (17-3) - Light Heavyweight (205)

This is a career-breaker one way or the other.  Liddell used to be one of the best, now he’s a 40 year old has-been.  The cracks in his game started to show when Rampage dropped him at UFC 71.  But hey, losing to Rampage is nothing to cry about.  Then Keith Jardine took him to the cards at UFC 76, and Rashad Evans rang his bell at UFC 88.  This isn’t the Chuck Liddell of 2005, folks.  Rua looks to be in a much better position, although his last 2 fights have left him looking gassed and pathetic.  First, my boy Forest tapped him out, and then with 24 seconds to go in round 3 he barely managed to finish a geriatric Mark Coleman.  Not exactly a strong showing.  This is a fight that I’m wondering how the hell it’s even on the card; let’s see who wants to end their career faster!  Rua wins by unanimous decision.

Brian Stann (6-1) vs. Krzysztof Soszynski (16-8-1) - Light Heavyweight (205)

I have no idea why this is even on the televised card. Stann is - quite literally - a one hit wonder. He punches hard, and that’s it. Zero other technical skills round out his game, and Soszynski would do well to not stand and trade. Soszynski is a TUF alumni, and that’s the only reason this bout isn’t a dark match; the UFC is pushing its own brand and trying to make him a name. He trains with Couture and the rest of Team Quest, so he’s got a well rounded game, but I predict a boring-ass fight. Stann will try to trade, Soszynski will dance and survive to take it to the ground, where he’ll feebling attempt to submit Stann for a few minutes. I think this one is going to the cards, folks. Yawnfest.  Soszynski wins by submission in Round 2.

Cheick Kongo (13-4-1) vs. Antoni Hardonk (8–4) - Heavyweight (265)

Kongo is an absolute monster.  He lost by a shady decision to some washed up douche from Texas, and in my opinion his failings are all mental.  His last two brutal TKOs should give him the confidence going into this match to take Hardonk to the cleaners.  Hardonk’s list of opponents reads more like the roster of last month’s Tough Guy contest held behind the Waffle House.  He’s overmatched, and it’s going to show.  Round 1 is going to be boring while both strikers try to find their range and not make any mistakes, Round 2 is when the banging will begin in earnest.  Kongo wins by TKO in Round 2.

Luis Cane (9-1) vs. Steve Cantwell (7-1) - Light Heavyweight (205)

Strangely enough, this is the most compelling fight (besides the main event) on the entire card.  Cane has the entire UFC hype machine roaring to life behind him, but by all accounts he’s done well to keep a level head and focus on training.  Cantwell was apparently a big deal in the WEC, but nobody knows that because who the fuck cares about the WEC?  This is the real deal, and Cane is a much better opponent than anyone else Cantwell has ever faced.  It’s going to be a slugfest for these guys, and I predict it’ll be a fun fight.  Cane wins by TKO in Round 1.

The Undercard

The non-televised card has a lot of potentially great fights on it.  I’m hoping the main fights go short so that we get a chance to see some of these.

Eliot Marshall (6-1) vs. Vinny Magalhaes (2-3) - Light Heavyweight (205). Two TUF veterans going head to head?  A likely promo to televised if it’s not boring.  Magalhaes’s Jiu Jitsu is masterful and should end this one by submission.

Denis Kang (31-11-1) vs. Xavier Foupa-Pokam (20-9) - Middleweight (185).  Kang has come and gone over the years, from Pride to the UFC.  He’s a solid midcard journeyman and I’m not surprised he’s just making a living.  Foopa-Pokem is a no-namer who has fought other no-namers.  Seriously, I’ve never heard of him or just about anyone he’s ever fought.  I’m going to say Kang is going to welcome him to the big leagues with a TKO.

Jason MacDonald (20-11) vs. Nate Quarry (16-3) - Middleweight (185). This is another likely-to-be-promoted-to-televised.  Both of these guys have yo-yo’d around the Middleweight division for some time, and it’s a style clash.  MacDonald grapples and Quarry strikes; it’s the wrestling that will decide this one.  I think Quarry keeps it on the feet and TKOs MacDonald late.

David Loiseau (18-8) vs. Ed Herman (16-6) - Middleweight (185). Two fighters with decent name recongition that could never put it together and are fast both becoming journeymen in their division.  The only reason this fight is interesting is that it’s doubtful the loser will fight in the UFC again; Loiseau was already cut once and only brought back because this PPV is in Canada.  I really don’t care who wins, honestly.

Mark Bocek (6-2) vs. David Bielkheden (13-6) - Lightweight (155). I actually don’t know anything about these fighters.  I recognize Bocek’s name, but don’t have anything to say except that I love watching these lightning fast 155ers throw down.

Ryo Chonan (15-9) vs. T.J. Grant (13-2) - Welterweight (170).  If Grant weren’t Canadian, he wouldn’t be fighting at all.  Chonan is a veteran from the Japanese MMA scene, but while he’s mid-tier at best he should prove a difficult first fight in the big time for Grant.  Although I don’t know anything about him, let’s root for the new guy, eh?

Sam Stout (14-5-1) vs. Matt Wiman (10-4) - Lightweight (155). This should be on the main card rather than the Soszynski fight.  I love lightweights, and these two scrappy guys are fighting for the kind of name recognition that will get them on TV for sure.  Stout’s striking is overrated, but you guessed it!  He’s Canadian.  Wiman is pretty well rounded and generally puts on a good show.  I’m thinking its going to go to the ground and Wiman will submit Stout early.

As a followup to this post, myself and a select crew headed out to test the conventional wisdom: Does Terry’s Turf Club serve the best burger in Cincinnati?

Terry’s is hidden away on Eastern Avenue, just off the beaten path that is the intersection of Beechmont Avenue and Columbia Parkway.  It is, as an erstwhile companion of mine quipped, “Right about where you’d stop to dump the body.”

The decor is a strange mix of kitchy neon signs, proclaiming everything from “No Dancin’ On The Tables” to “Good Coffee” and many, many others. If this place were roofless, you’d be able to see it from space.

At 7:15pm on a random Thursday, and the interior was packed. When our party (of 6) arrived, there were five parties ahead of us in line. The space was truly tiny; there was no room for us and the other 16 people waiting for a table to stand without elbow-bumping other diners or constantly shuffling out of the way to stay out of the overworked wait staff’s way.

Approaching the bar to get a beer while you wait is a difficult proposition, at best. The only space available is the “Service” counter where the staff fill their drink orders, right in front of the grill. I hate getting in the way of the staff at a restaurant where I’m dining; they’re trying to work and I’m not that guy who’s going to make it more difficult than it already is. The interior space at Terry’s made this literally impossible. I managed to dodge both the other patrons and the staff and saddle up to the bar, and ordered a beer from their impressive beer list.

After about an hour of waiting, we were seated. I took the opportunity to snap a couple pics of the double-sided menu:

The menu is a bit of a conundrum, to me. There are only sandwiches, here, but there are sure a lot of choices. A filet mignon sandwich? Grilled crab available as a topping for $4? I suppose I’m in the minority, in that having a large selection of seafood on your menu, when you are known for your burgers, doesn’t sound all that good to me. With the parade of customers ordering burger after burger, how long has that Mahi been in the walk-in? When I want seafood, I’ll go to a seafood restaurant. When I want a burger, I go to a burger joint. This culinary schizophrenia is not a selling point to me; It’s just weird.

It took about 30 minutes for the food to come, which was a bit on the long side but certainly not unacceptable. The burgers and fries were all cooked as ordered, and look damned tasty. The burger in this picture was ordered with lettuce, grilled onions, bacon, and goat cheese. I went more traditional, opting for lettuce, tomato, and american cheese. Speaking of cheese, their options are American or Swiss (no charge) or Goat or bleu (+$2). No cheddar? Perhaps I’m a cheese snob, but I was less than impressed by the selection.

The heart of any burger is the beef itself, and while I appreciated the hand pattied and properly cooked nature of the patty, I certainly have complaints. First, it was small, and I would estimate closer to 1/3lb than 1/2. Second, it was extremely fatty beef - I would guess 80%-ish chuck. Two of my co-diners described the meat flavor as “liver-ish.” I suppose they cover up the quality of the meat with all of the sauces and toppings, but those things don’t make a burger great. Great meat, properly prepared and cooked, makes a burger great.

In the end, the experience at Terry’s was a mixed one. The food was good, but terrifically expensive for what you get. Six burgers (~$45) with fries ($10.50) + eight beers + tip were $134.50. Now granted, two of these beers were Belgians ($15 and $12, respectively), but when a typical dinner for two tops $40 you really have to earn it.

If you’re charging me $6.50 for a burger, it had better not be liver-saddled 78% ground chuck and you’d better not serve it to me on a paper plate. If you’re offering foie gras and filet mignon on the menu, don’t serve me coke in a can. If you’re going to be the best burger place in town, be the best burger place in town and stop pretending you’re something you’re not. Terry’s Turf Club is worth a visit, but it is not the best burger in Cincinnati. Not by a long shot.

EDIT - Re-reading this, my tone is a bit more harsh than I intended, but I’m not going to re-write it. Overall I thought Terry’s was good, but the burger was merely OK - cheap meat in a fancy dress. The fries were excellent, and the beer list exceptional, but the price was out of line for the product. The location was more kitsch than anything, and the overall dining experience was mediocre. It felt like a novelty rather than a comfortable place I’d return to with friends. Would I go back? Probably, if only for the beer. Lovely, lovely beer.

In my ongoing effort to not look like a bum, I occasionally stop by the GAP Clearance Center in Hebron, KY. My office is a mere stoplight away, so it’s not uncommon for me to visit on my lunch break to see if I can find a deal.

Invariably, I pick up anywhere from 2 to 2 dozen things from the racks. You really never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes you find a gem that turns out to have a gigantic hole in it, or a huge pink stain. Other times, it’s a mystery as to why an item is on the clearance rack, at all. No matter what, there are two rules to shopping at the GAP outlet: 1) try it on, and 2) check all seams, zippers, buttons. Buyer beware: All Sales Are Final.

Today, I found a sweater in the the same design I already owned, but a different color ($2), a trio of reasonable looking button up shirts ($6 each), two plain t-shirts ($1 each), and a pair of olive cargo shorts ($10). To the dressing room! The sweater was mislabeled in size (toss), all three shirts fit poorly (toss), the shorts fit perfectly, but I discovered a nice tear in the crotch (toss), one of the t-shirts was actually a medium (LOL me in a medium, toss).

I ended up with one lousy plain white t-shirt that fit and had no physical deformities.

Was I deterred? Hell no, I powered on to the checkout. When I placed my single plain white t-shirt in front of the cashier, she actually laughed out loud. Her: (Laughing quietly) “Is that it?” Me: “Sometimes you strike gold, sometime you strike out.” Her: (Still laughing, now smiling) “Would you like to open a GAP account and save 15%?” Me: “No thanks.”

The total? $1.05. Retail price? $16. I paid cash.

I’m hoping some of my erstwhile readers will be able to educate me on the truth of the state of Indian food in the greater Cincinnati area. I’ve heard many things about why we have so many good Indian restaurants. I have heard that the next-door neighbors Ambar and Amol India are owned by two brothers who despise each other. Personally, I think it’s Urban Legend, egged on by the “Do not park next door, they WILL TOW” warnings that pervade Ambar’s interior. That being said, Ambar is probably the more highly regarded of the two, and stands atop the heap in nearly every ranking discerning foodies may consult.

But what’s more fun, is that the business, or perhaps family, that owns Ambar apparently operates a lot of the local Indian restaurants. They aren’t exactly attempting to hide it; their menus are all identical, except the name. And I don’t just mean “they contain the same items” - I mean they are exact Same plastic bi-fold, organization, font, dishes, etc. They just changed the name at the top (and sometimes the color) and reprinted. My memory is a bit fuzzy, but I believe I’ve seen those exact menus at Baba, Ambar, Guru, Taj Mahal, and Akash - and maybe more?

Last week, Lauren and I ventured to the nearest of the Ambar family clones, Akash India on 6th Street Downtown. We started off with a tasty bottle of Nobilo Sauvignon Blanc 2008 ($24) and the “Mixed platter” appetizer (vegetable samosa, vegetable pakora, chicken pakora, paneer pakora, and papardam) ($6). I love the trio of sauces they bring to the table - spicy onion, sweet, and minty - although I’m ignorant of their actual names. I like to mix the onion and sweet.

I’m normally a chicken tikka masala or saag paneer type of guy, but I decided to go with the Tandoori chicken ($12). Lauren opted for one of her favorites, chicken shahi korma ($12). Akash uses a 1 through 6 heat scale; per usual, Lauren ordered a just-spicy-enough 4. We tossed on a pair of garlic nan ($4 each), just for good measure.

I swear, I had to roll myself home. We ate damned near all of it, and felt appropriately gluttonous. It was so damned tasty that I didn’t even think to snap a pic until we were all finished:

Overall, I give Akash (and it’s bretheren) a double thumbs up (not to mention a belt notch or two.)

yep…

As anyone who is a pizza fan knows, the toppings are important, but the crust makes the pizza. I just got an awesome food processor for my birthday, so I decided to put it to a good first use and whip up some homemade pizza dough! I like to call this one “the fuzz;” it’s a medium thickness crust topped with various bell peppers, pepperochinis, spicy Italian sausage, mozzarella, and extra sharp cheddar.

First, we proof some yeast by mixing it with warm water and a pinch of white sugar, then mix some olive oil with some more water. Combine flour and salt in the food processor, then pulse in the liquid until it a dough forms.

Once you’ve got a nice dough (mine is reasonably sticky, here, because that’s how I like it heh), dump it out on a floured work surface (like my vigorously cleaned granite countertops) and knead just for a moment or two until smooth. Then, round it out into a ball.

Meanwhile, put a bit of olive oil into a bowl and wipe it around good to coat. Use plenty! It won’t hurt the dough and will keep it from sticking. Place your dough ball inside and turn to coat the surface. Cover it with a damp towel and let it rise for about an hour and a half, or until it doubles in size. Lauren and I were watching TV, so I think I actually let mine go for almost 2 hours. No big deal!

Turn the dough back out on your work surface and stretch it out into your desired end form. Don’t knead it or roll it around too much or it’ll get chewy. If you’re a ninja you can do the whole throwing and spinning thing; I say leave that to the pros.

Now is the time to turn on your oven to just about as hot as it’ll go. I set mine on 500F.

If you have a pizza peel, cover it with a little semolina or cornmeal to keep the pizza from sticking. If not, you can do like me and use an upside down cookie sheet, and bake it right on top. After you wrestled your dough around, let it rest for 15 minutes. Go take the dog for a walk or unload the dishwasher. Just let it relax. It may even rise a little bit more, but that’s OK. After it’s had a little time to chill out, time to top it! Meanwhile, your hot oven should be cranking away and getting plenty plenty hot!

Don’t use too much sauce! It’ll make the crust soggy. Trust me on this one.

mmMMmmMMmm cheese. You read right earlier - I use moz AND cheddar. Specifically, an extra sharp cheddar. Not on all pizzas, but on this particular topping combo it’s a real winner. You say heretical, I say delicious.

Slide em into your firey oven, and let them go for about 8-10 minutes, or until nice and brown. Don’t be a peeker! You need that super hot oven to cook everything evenly. If you don’t have a handy oven light like me, I guess you’re shit out of luck.

I serve this one with a bit of extra marinara for dipping. Sorry for no pics of us eating; I was too busy drinking wine and going “Om nom nom nom.” Next time? We’re baking BREAD!